Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My vagina is officially offended.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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