I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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