I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
zippers are such a cool invention
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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