she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
