Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
