So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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