So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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