my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
