I think my vagina is haunted
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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