Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why is your signature on my underwear?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
