So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
