I will die if light touches me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
