Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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