: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
