And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
