One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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