apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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