I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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