everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
