i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
