You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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