i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
