Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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