just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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