I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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