I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
