He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
