my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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