just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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