hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
