We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
