Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
