if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
