this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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