Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
