im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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