I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
its liver damage thursday
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
