im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She bit a glass in half.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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