im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
