hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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