We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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