I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
my poor anus
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Randomize
