some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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