Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
