Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
