I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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