Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
