My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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