I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
