Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
