Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
