i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
