guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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