You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
