And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
