alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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