Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
