I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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